Q. Dear Alannah,
I’m 28 and seeing a guy who’s 2 years younger to me and has come to the States for studies. We met 6 months back and right from his first day in the US we became friends and soon more than friends. I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him when we met each other and he was taking things casually as well. But after sometime he told me he was in love with me and that I’m his soul mate. I had also been feeling the same way for him, so I said I loved him too. Things changed after that and we started talking to each other as more than friends. But now when all my friends are getting married and having babies, I feel I need to know from this guy if and when are we going to get married? I brought this topic up quite a few times, but he always told me we will talk about it after exams, after the new year, after this that, and I’m still hanging on. I know 6 months is a short time but I’m just scared of being led on. Also, I know he is still in school with lot of loans and it will take him time to settle down completely, but I am not asking him to marry me right away. All I’m asking for is a commitment so that I can have some peace of mind, and my friends and family will also stop nagging me by showing profiles of different guys they want me to date.
I know this doesn’t seem a critical situation given the time frame of 6 months, but I have been through rough relationships before, and my boyfriend as well was cheated on by his ex-girlfriend, so I’m kind of scared trusting someone blindly.
Please advise me. I don’t want to force anything on him or beg him to propose to me, but I’m in love with this guy and don’t want to leave him. I know he is a good guy, though a little immature.
Tired of Waiting
A. Dear Tired of Waiting,
You may not like what I am about to say, but I’m going to have to give some tough love here. First of all, I think it is perfectly normal for you to be thinking about marriage, babies and all of that where you are in life right now. However, I definitely don’t think that pressuring your boyfriend of 6 months with a yes or no ultimatum is going to get you anywhere with him, and frankly, will only end up scaring him off. It sounds like you are in a rush to get married not just for yourself, but also to relieve pressure from friends and family. Am I right? The fact that you’re also thinking of possibly leaving your boyfriend after 6 months because he hasn’t said he’ll marry you yet also shows that you aren’t just infatuated with him, but with the idea of marriage itself. The fact is, 6 months is a short period of time, and there is still much you can learn about him. You might even find out in a few months that you can’t stand him and want to kick him to the curb! (Kidding!) You see where I’m going with this though?
Besides the fact that you two have only known each other a short while, your guy may not be rushing to the alter just yet because he is still in school and may be feeling too unstable in his life right now to start planning that far ahead. One of the primary reasons men delay settling down is because they don’t feel like they have their finances (or at least their career plans) locked down just yet.
I say drop the topic for now and let him focus on his studies, give it another 6 months or so, then bring it up again. After being with someone for a year, it’s not unreasonable to talk seriously about marriage. When you do, don’t lay the pressure on too thick, but rather, ask him where he sees himself in a few years, where he sees the relationship headed, and if it’s towards marriage, what goals he wants to finish (ask him for a time frame) before he can get to it. Then give him your time frame (one you both can reasonably work with), and go from there.
I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!