Why Being An Asshole Doesn’t Mean More Dates

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A disturbing trend I’ve been noticing since the increased popularity of dating advice websites and podcasts has made more men aware of their dating mistakes is the trend towards “douchebaggery” or “asshole behavior” when trying to attract women.  Although it’s sometimes a fine line between this way of behaving and projecting an image that women find attractive, if all you’re doing is being a straight-up asshole and not putting out anything else to attract a woman, as well as aren’t trying to understand the reasons why women find those types of men attractive, all you will do is repel the very same women you’re trying to attract!  Allow me to explain.

As covered previously here on my site, women find assholes/bad boys attractive for various reasons, the main ones being that they may see these kinds of men as being “strong”, “independent”, not easily being pushed around, and many often convey an air of mystery.  It’s NOT because they are being rude, emo, or acting “bitchy”, which is how I see some nice guys interpreting this advice.  In the long run though, a woman will often grow out of her “asshole loving” phase and will sooner or later kick these guys to the curb, so this shtick isn’t something that lasts forever.  Rather than straight-up becoming one, you can learn to “borrow” some of their tactics and use it to your advantage.  DON’T make the mistake of just acting like an unlikeable jerk thinking that’s how to attract women–it’s definitely not, and will only repel them instead!

For example, if you have a female friend who you’re trying to get with and you’re trying to use some of this advice on her, responding to her with short, snippy/rude texts when she says she can’t hang out is NOT how you would effectively use this advice.  Women pick up on resentment/passive aggressive behavior VERY quickly (Hello!! Have you forgotten who you’re dealing with here??), so when you respond with resentful or passive aggressive undertones when things don’t go your way, it does NOT make you seem more desirable.  What you want to go for is “indifference”, not “I’m going to through a hissy fit because you’re aren’t acting how I want you to.”  When you act like you don’t care, THAT gets her attention more.

Below are some more examples of what I’m referring to:

Scenario #1:

A girl you just met recently cancels on your plans to meet up for coffee because she has a last-minute emergency, but says she’ll follow-up – she sends you a text a day before your meet-up, saying, “Sorry, but something just came up and I can’t make it tomorrow. Will follow-up with you soon!” You don’t know if it was going to be a friendly get-together or a date, but you are really interested in her and bummed that she canceled.

The emo/wrong way to respond:

“Thanks for the last-minute cancellation. Don’t bother following up with me.”

The RIGHT way to respond:

“It’s cool, no worries. Yea just get at me!”

The first response is full of bitchy undertones and sounds very angry-she will most likely listen to you and NOT reach out.  The second one sounds cool and casual and, assuming she really DID have an emergency, she’ll most likely reach out to you when everything is good.  It also doesn’t pry, so you don’t sound too nosey/overly-interested in what’s going on with her, which is the vibe you want to have.

Scenario #2:

Your female friend who you’ve been eyeing for ages cancels out on plans you made with her the day before, saying something came up; you had wanted to step things up a notch this time and really blow her away with a great night you had planned, and are pretty peeved that she canceled out.

The emo/wrong way to respond:

“It’s cool, you’re probably ditching out again because of that loser guy you were talking about all last week, but it’s fine.  Just don’t call me when he douches out on you again, k?”

The RIGHT way to respond:

“Fine, but you owe me.  Dinner’s on you next time!”

The first response screams, “I love you but you don’t love me back, therefore I’m going to be b*tchy and throw stuff you tell me back in your face to make you feel guilty.” SO not sexy!  The second one shows you have a sense of humor and don’t take things too seriously, but you’re also not afraid of calling her out for being flakey, which is how you want to do it.

Scenario #3:

You’ve been dating a girl for a few months and things have been great-you’ve been getting along wonderfully, you’re still in the “honeymoon” phase, and you’re “officially” a couple.  You suddenly start to feel her pulling back, however, and aren’t sure why; she mentioned she’s been having some family issues, but you’re not sure if that’s the reason.  She cancels out on your date you had planned tonight for the second time in the past week, and doesn’t give much of an explanation except, “So sorry!  There’s something important I really need to take care of, will make it up to you!  Call you soon!”

The emo/wrong way to respond:

“If you want to break up, just tell me now.  I don’t like wasting my time.”

The RIGHT way to respond:

“Ok, hope everything’s alright. Anything going on I should be concerned about?”

The first response sounds angry, assumptive, insecure and just a tad bit crazy!!  It doesn’t give her the benefit of the doubt, and shows that you’re so afraid of rejection that you want to cut things off just to avoid rejection.  SO not the way to go!  The second response is cool and collected, and shows concern in the form of an openended question.  Your question could pertain to her and what’s going on with her issues, or could pertain to your relationship; it’s open to how she reads it, but still gives her a chance to tell you more if needed.

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