Q. Dear Alannah,
Once again, I need your advice. It’s been two years since my boyfriend and I first started dating. When we first started dating, things were going great, but over time, he changed. He became irresponsible, played video games all the time, didn’t focus on anything else, paid less attention to me, and didn’t put any effort into our relationship. I wrote to you about this awhile back and followed your advice, and for awhile things were going well, but now other problems have come up.
We’ve had lots of ups and downs, but the thing I am concerned about right now is this girl who he has started talking to again. When we first met, he used to hang out with a big group of people, and the girls in the group didn’t quite like me. I’m a girl, and I know how girls can act when they don’t like another girl. At first there were many rumors, and people trying to bring me down for no apparent reason, but then I realized the main people spreading the rumors were these girls. After awhile, I realized they just didn’t want him to be with me. I got threatened, physically and verbally. All of this took place at our college, where I was supposed to be focusing on getting my degree. It was hard at first to cope with all of this because they were his friends, and I respected them initially, but the fact that they were doing almost anything to break us apart was driving me crazy. It finally came to a point where he had to choose, it was either them or me. I didn’t want to make him do it, make him choose, but I couldn’t be in a relationship where his friends were constantly bashing me. This all happened about a year ago.
Fast forward to now, this one female friend he started talking to again is making me feel very uncomfortable, because he used to have a crush on her. This is the same girl I wrote to you about before when I first started dating my boyfriend, one of the girls who didn’t like me. For some reason, I think he still has a thing for her. Yesterday was when I found out he had started talking with her again, because on our way home, he told me he was going to drop off something for her. I was a bit pissed off at first that he wasn’t upfront with me from the start when he started talking to her again. It actually explained the continuous messages he was getting on his Blackberry. I took his cell in front of him and started reading, and just to summarize, there was a lot they had talked about, and it actually made me more jealous, cause he was quicker to respond to her than to me. For example, she told him to change his Blackberry status, and he did. If I had told him to, he would probably take much longer to do so. I also saw that he was the one who reached out and initiated contact first, not the other way around. He had asked her what her class schedule was, what her Blackberry messenger screenname is, etc. He also gets defensive whenever I mention her name. Seeing their conversation, they sure do seem to have strong chemistry.
This may sound a bit immature with the way I am acting at the moment. I do feel really bad for telling him to stop talking to this girl, but for some reason in the back of my mind I still feel hurt about what they all did to me, and I’m not quite good at explaining myself. I can’t help but still remember what took place a year ago. I really do not want another episode of this to take place. And yes, I did mention all of this to him. He thinks I am stressing out for no reason. He also has a lot in common with this girl, and I don’t know how much I can trust him. At the moment, I don’t know what to say or do, but I do believe that how he’s carrying on with this girl is not appropriate. I need some advice Alannah. Please help.
A. Dear Linda,
From what you’re telling me, I think you already know the answer to what you should do…your boyfriend has been selfish, disrespectful, inappropriate, and inattentive in your relationship, and he sounds like he already has one foot out the door. He’s basically waiting to get the “go ahead” signal from his female friend before he checks out completely. You deserve much better than this. It’s time to kick him to the curb for good. You’ve given him more than enough chances to get his act together, and he still hasn’t really changed…you’re no longer getting what you want and need out of the relationship, so why stay? Not only that, but he reconnects with someone who has disrespected you in the past, and blatantly disregards your feelings about it. He obviously doesn’t care about how you feel, and you deserve to be with someone who does. Ending things with him will give you the freedom and change you’ve been needing.
I know it’s a big leap to take and may take some time, but staying with him will only drag things out and prolong your unhappiness. Lean on family and friends for the support you need if you must. Take care, and let me know if you have any questions!