Q. Dear Alannah,
I am a woman and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months now. I’ve known her for a year and a half, but I first met her when she just got out of a very long-term relationship.
We were very happy until she started distancing herself from me. She started spending more time with her friends including her best friend, this one girl that is very needy and clingy with my girlfriend. She calls and texts all the time even at 3-4 am, and when I’m around the girl drags her to another room to talk etc… They became friends when I was out of the picture and they used to spend every weekend together. The girl has been trying to get over her ex-fiance, but it’s been 2 years and all her other friends won’t listen to her rants and crying except my girlfriend! She wanted to take a walk on the beach alone with my girlfriend and she even wants to plan a vacation with JUST my girlfriend after finding out we were going to Miami!
We were at a bar and I snuck up behind my girl to put my arms around her and she clicked out of text real quick. I was like “Oh really!’ and grabbed her phone. I wasn’t gonna look, but she grabbed my phone and started looking through it. I saw she was texting her “best friend” some dirty/suggestive texts and also lied to me about having lunch with her one day. She SAYS they are just friends and they’ve always joked around like that, but she realizes it’s wrong and has to stop and she says she is very sorry for hurting me. But she still wants to be friends with her and I don’t know how I can start to feel comfortable with that. My girlfriend doesn’t give this woman any boundaries and I also don’t like the way she speaks to my girlfriend either. She’ll boss her around. I don’t feel she respects my relationship and has made no attempt to make me feel comfortable whatsoever.
I’ve tried to talk to my girlfriend, but she is persisent that they’re just best friends and has never thought of her in any other way. She realizes that her friend is very clingy, controlling, and needs attention, and probably should be on anxiety meds etc., but she said it doesn’t bother her. We are all supposed to go to NYC next weekend and 6 of us are supposed to stay in one hotel. I haven’t seen this girl since everything went down.
I honestly wanted to break up with my girlfriend at first because of this and her distancing herself from me as well as us arguing alot recently. But we both recently realized how much we mean to each other and how me having major trust issues from a prior relationship and her having issues from hers was affecting us and we want to move foward and work things out. But how can I either get my girlfriend to understand how I feel so she can at least put up boundaries with this girl AND/OR how can I start to accept this girl as a part of my girlfriend’s life??
Thanks in advance!
Miss Reality Check!
A.Dear Miss Reality Check,
It sounds like you’ve been more than understanding with your girlfriend, and she just isn’t getting the hint. It’s time now to really lay down the law and let her know that she either needs to draw clear boundaries with her friend, or you’re out. If she has trouble establishing those boundaries or with what boundaries actually means, give her examples. For instance, no more 3 am or 4 am calls/texts (unless her car is breaking down or she is in the hospital, your girlfriend’s friend calling/texting often at weird times like that is just not a normal thing). Also, no more dirty/suggestive texting; this is something that you shouldn’t even have to bring up twice with her, it’s just something you don’t do with others when you’re in a relationship with someone. Lastly (and most importantly), no more lies. If she is going to be hanging out with her friend (or anyone else for that matter), she needs to be honest with you. You shouldn’t have to be looking over your shoulder or snooping to get the truth out of her.
You don’t have a say in what your girlfriend’s friend does (or how annoying/inconsiderate she may be!), but you are able to let your girlfriend know what you will and will not accept, and it is up to her to draw the line and be firm with her friend in order to establish that. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like your girlfriend may have (at least a little) crush on her friend, and whether or not her friend reciprocates the feeling, she definitely is feeding off of and taking advantage of that. A small crush can be harmless, but if she is behaving this way just biding her time for the right moment to get with this girl, then letting her know very clearly that she needs to draw boundaries will allow you to see if she really wants to be in the relationship or not.
Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions!